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A little bit of humor (sometimes very little indeed). Also check out The Lighter Side Archives: 2001 | 2000 | 1999.
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Keep your spirits stormy with these "motivational" prints:
Agony | Apathy | Defeat | Failure | Futility | Ineptitude | Losing | Mediocrity | Mistakes | Pessimisim | Procrastination | Stupidity
Wall Street Journal -- read by the people who run the country.
New York Times -- read by people who 'think' they run the country.
Washington Post -- read by people who think they 'should' run the country.
USA Today -- read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their smog statistics and other useless demographics shown on pie charts.
Los Angeles Times -- read by "IN" people who wouldn't mind running the
country if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
The Boston Globe is read by Catholics whose parents used to run the country, and they did
a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
New York Daily News -- read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
New York Post -- read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
San Francisco Chronicle -- read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it. Assuming there is a country and that someone is running it, regardless of whoever it is, Chronicle readers in principle oppose all that those in power stand for. There are, of course, exceptions, particularly if the leaders are middle-aged hippies, handicapped, minority, feministic, atheist dwarfs or illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, as long as they are Democrats.
Miami Herald -- read by people who are running other countries, but need the baseball scores.
An ENGINEER is a professional who knows a great deal about very little, and goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
A CONSTRUCTION MANAGER is a professional who starts out knowing practically everything about everything, but ends up knowing nothing about anything, by constantly talking to architects and engineers.
A DETAILER starts out as a nobody who knows nothing about anything, but ends up as a professional who knows practically everything about everything by continuously solving problems created by architects, engineers and construction managers.
This is the eighth-grade final exam given in Salina, KS in 1895. Could you pass this
test, even if the few outdated questions were modernized?
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand
the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will
it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. per bu., deducting
1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a
school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per m?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per are, the distance around which is 640
rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of theRebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology,
syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong,
cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre,
semi, post, non, inter, mono,super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that
indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight; fane,fain, feign; vane,
vain, vein; raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced andindicate pronunciation by use of
diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is theocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St.
Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth.
11. Give inclination of the earth.
Idiot # 1: I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.
Idiot # 2: Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon which activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot # 3: A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man
said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
line back at Bank of America.
Idiot # 4: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Idiot # 5: Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Idiot # 6: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Idiot # 7: Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Idiot # 8: Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 am flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Also check out The Lighter Side Archives: 2001 | 2000 | 1999.
