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The 2000 archive.

You May Be An Engineer If...

• Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You want an 500X CD-ROM for Christmas.
• You can name 6 Star Trek episodes (bonus points if you have more than 6 recorded on video tape).
• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
• Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
• Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
• You look forward to Christmas because you get to put together the kids' toys.
• You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned-out bulb in the string.
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
• You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
• You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and the flash attachment from your camera.
• You don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
• You've modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
• You know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
• You own "Official Star Trek" anything.
• You've ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
• A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
• You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science-fair project.
• You're currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• You've never backed-up your hard drive.
• You're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
• You truly believe aliens are living among us.
• You've ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You've ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
• You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are.
• You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
• You have a functioning home photocopier, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
• You have more toys than your kids.
• You need a checklist to turn on the TV.
• You have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
• You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
• Your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
• The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you shove up to the front to fix it.
• You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
• You've memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
• You've ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
• Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
• You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
• You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
• You did the sound system for your senior prom.
• Your checkbook always balances.
• Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You spend more on your home computer than your car.
• You know what http:// stands for (bonus points if you actually care).
• You've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
• You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
• Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.

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Freedom is Free to Us.

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?

• Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.
• Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
• Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
• Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.   They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?

• Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists (ugh!).
• Eleven were merchants.
• Nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated.

But, they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.

• Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy.  He sold his home and properties to
  pay his depts, and died in rags.
• Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly.  He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
• Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward,  Ruttledge, and Middleton.
• At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr. noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters.  He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
• Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed.  The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
• John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying.  Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste.  For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning to find his wife dead and his children vanished.  A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.
• Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.

Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution.  These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians.  They were soft-spoken men of means
and education.  They had security, but they valued liberty more.  Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged:  "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, ourlives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."

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Comprehending Steel Detailers.

You may be a steel detailer if:

• You think of your spouse in terms of W-shapes ("My spouse used to be a W14x22, but now is more like a W36x550").
• Your dinner table has the old v-track attached to it.
• At Thanksgiving, your family is trully greatful that your profession takes up so much of your time.
• All you want for Christmas is a new stiff-backed chair and an elbow pad.
• The only jokes you know can't be posted on the Steel-Link detailers list server.
• You use the size of your CAD package to defend your manhood.
• You have the printed Steel-Link Resource Directory in the bathroom.
• Your ideal evening consists of marking up some poor saps check prints.
• You have "R. Crumb" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You carry on an hour-long debate with a trainee over a sixteenth of an inch.
• You think "field measurements" have something to do with acreage.
• You are currently writing an acad lisp routine on company time that will be of no use to anyone but you.
• You have written one or more e-mails that actually threaten the life of a checker.
• You have ever saved eraser dust because it might come in handy someday.
• You see a good design and still have to write an RFI just to "verify" something.
• You bought a slide rule as an investment.
• You want a 30" x 42" computer screen so you can see AutoCAD *.dwg files in full size.
• You have a habit of greening things up in back-checking just to see if how the checker will react.
• The checker thinks your I.Q. number is smaller than your hat size.
• You have ever owned the same calculator as everybody else in your squad but still insisted that yours is more accurate.
• You can't remember where you parked your car and it's only lunch time.
• Your checkbook was printed by Goodyear.
• You have more friends from the Steel-Link detailers list server than in real life.
• You've ever argued with an architect and ended up making him cry.
• You have a neatly sorted collection of old pencils and circle templates in your safe deposit box.
• Your spouse and kids have done detailing for you.

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Comprehending Engineers.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,  "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*********************

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*********************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."  The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*********************

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

*********************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*********************

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

*********************

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.  Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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My Dog Ate It.

Actual Reasons Given for Absenteeism from Work:

• If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).  I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
• My stigmata's acting up.
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh?  So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.  He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.  One day should do it.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.

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Progress.

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response, General Motors issued a press release stating that if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
• Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
• The warning lights for the oil pressure, water temperature and alternator would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
• The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
• Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

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Darwin Was Right. And We Should Be Scared.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

• On Sears hairdryer:  "Do not use while sleeping". (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
• On a bag of Fritos:  "You could be winner!  No purchase necessary.   Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special.)
• On a bar of Dial soap:  "Directions:  Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)
• On some Swanson frozen dinners:  "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!)
• On Marks Spencer Bread Pudding:  "Product will be hot after heating". (As night follows the day . . . .)
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron:  "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
• On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:  "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
• On Nytol Sleep Aid:  "Warning:  May cause drowsiness". (One would hope)
• On most brands of Christmas lights:  "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?)
• On a Japanese food processor:  "Not to be used for the other use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
• On Sainsbury's peanuts:  "Warning:  Contains nuts". (NEWS FLASH!)
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts:  "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."  (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
• On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
• On a Swedish chain saw:  "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Now given that every warning label on a ladder is the result of something that actually happened to somebody, this one sacres me.)
• On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey Mom we're out of syrup! ; It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)
• On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact  poison control." (Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
• On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:  "Remove clothing before distributing in washing  machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids....Aww you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)

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Do You Want Fries With That?

Unintentional bloopers that have been discovered in resumes, job applications and cover letters:

• "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." (And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
• "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." (No problem ...)
• "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable." (Glad to hear it.)
• "My compensation should be at least equal to my age." (And bonuses should perhaps be "tied to" your shoe size?)
• "I am very detail-oreinted." (With the possible exceptions of spelling and the proper use of the hyphen.)
• "I can play well with others." (Oh, good. We'll be sure to tell your Mommy.)
• "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." (A new twist on work-family balance.)
• "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales." (Have you considered law school?)
• "My salary requirement is $34 per year." (Well they do say money isn't everything, but...)
• "Served as assistant sore manager." (Ouch! Were you in the union or did you work as a scab?!)
• "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle." (So you're willing to travel?)
• "Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco." (Definitely to the point.)
• "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live." (And they say loyalty is hard to come by these days.)
• "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job." (We're glad you're not bitter.)

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The Value of Experience

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

    (1) One chalk mark $1
    (2) Knowing where to put it $49,999

 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

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Totally Useless Information

• Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
• Pearls melt in vinegar.
• It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
• Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
• The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
• It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
• Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
• Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
• The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog," which uses every letter in the alphabet, was developed by Western Union to test telex/two communications.
• Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on  the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
• The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie," thus the name of the Don McLean song.
• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history" spades -- King David; clubs -- Alexander the Great; hearts -- Charlemagne; and diamonds - Julius Caesar.
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down-hence the expression  "to  get fired."
• Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them  looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
• The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
• The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point  in Colorado.
• The only two days of the year in which there are no professional  sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major  League All-Star Game.
• Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
• The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was  actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
• If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
• Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating.
• Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman  roommates at   Harvard.
• The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from  those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
• Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
• The man, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
• The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
• There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
• All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

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Van Gogh's Family Tree

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

• His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
• The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
• The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
• The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
• The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
• His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
• His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
• The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
• The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
• The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
• The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
• The bird-lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
• His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
• The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
• An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
• The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
• A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
• His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
• And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

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Reading Test

Read this sentence:

     FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do not go back and count them again. Then see below...
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....

ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. A person of about AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE finds only three of them. If you spotted four, you're ABOVE AVERAGE. If
you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody! If you caught six, you're a GENIUS. There is no catch. Many people over-look the "OF" words. The human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's."

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Death of an Icon

It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesteray of severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including; Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hunrgry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch, and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, then as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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From the Mouths of Babes

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder.  Their insight may surprise you.

• Better to be safe than........................Punch a 5th grader.
• Strike while the........................Bug is close.
• It's always darkest before........................Daylight Savings Time.
• Never underestimate the power of........................Termites.
• You can lead a horse to water but........................how?
• Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.
• No news is........................impossible.
• A miss is as good as a........................Mr.
• You can't teach an old dog new........................math.
• If you lie down with dogs, you'll........................stink in the morning.
• Love all, trust........................me.
• The pen is mightier than the........................pigs.
• An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.
• Where there's smoke there's........................pollution.
• Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
• A penny saved is........................not much.
• Two's company, three's........................the Musketeers.
• Don't put off till tomorrow what........................you put on to go to bed.
• Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........................you have to blow your nose.
• None are so blind as........................Stevie Wonder.
• Children should be seen and not........................spanked or grounded.
• If at first you don't succeed........................get new batteries.
• You get out of something what you........................see pictured on the box.
• When the blind leadeth the blind........................get out of the way .

And the favorite...

• Better late than..................................................pregnant

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Do You Think?

• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted ....
• The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,  you're still a rat.
• Am I getting smart with you? .... How would you know?
• Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
• I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
• I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
• Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
• My Reality Check bounced.
• I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
• The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
• Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
• Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
• Sweat is Nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
• Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you...
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
• Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
• Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• Reason to smile:  Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires. -- Dorothy Parker
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
• Families are like fudge ... Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
• Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

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Words by Which to Live

• Never raise your hands to your kids.  It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.
• I am in shape.  Round's a shape...
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
• Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a
  maniac.
• You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97
  today and we have no idea where she is.
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they are okay, then it's you.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.  I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.  Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.  They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.  There you go.  I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.  "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.  I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
• Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult book store!

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Bloopers from Church Bulletins

• The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday  morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Thursday night Potluck Supper.  Prayer and medication to follow.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"   Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
• The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM.  Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge  -  Up Yours."
• Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay  an egg on the altar.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several  new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

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Structural Engineering ...

... has been characterized as the art of molding materials we don't really understand into shapes we cannot really analyze so as to withstand forces we cannot really assess in such a way that the public does not really suspect. This quip is credited as "Anonymous", but it has been popularized by many.

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Useful Units Conversions

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New Word Creation

A big-city newspaper asked readers to take any word from the dictionary and alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some of the winners:

• Reintarnation -- Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
• Giraffiti -- Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
• Sarchasm -- The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
• Inoculatte -- To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
• Hipatitis --  Terminal coolness.
• Osteopornosis -- A degenerate disease.
• Karmageddon -- It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
• Glibido -- All talk and no action.
• Dopeler effect -- The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
• Intaxication --  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

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You Know You've Grown Up When ...

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